Ok what a week it’s been. I did wallow in my anger and self-pity for a couple of days but I realize that I needed to just take a step back and look at the whole picture. I’ll still get the civil restraining order and he is 7.5 weeks behind bars. He went to jail in April and its now June. I will still get my day in court, though I am pestering my poor Burlington County Victim’s advocate mercilessly. Unfortunately in order to get the Prosecutor’s Office some evidence, I need to hand over my laptop in order to get the evidence off because the files are so large that there is no other way to get them off. *sigh* I also have found out that the case goes to grand jury within 2 weeks and that will determine exactly what William Jordan will actually stand trial for. This is where the jury can downgrade, throw out or amend some charges. I am really hoping that they stick, but I have to be realistic about it. A jury of 23 people have to have 2/3rd or 3/4 of them to believe that the charges can be proven. It’s a radical theory, rape by deception, and most people will probably think that I was just stupid and gullible. I am hoping that all of the evidence that I have gotten the police will back it all up. That he did lie to me repeatedly. That I did try to do my research but because I had not a shred of truth to go on, I didn’t find anything until I snooped in his wallet earlier this year. When I did find out the truth, I turned it all around and tried to make right what was done wrong. I guess I will know in a couple of weeks what happens.
As a part of the William Allen Jordan purging from my life, I have cut off one of his exes which whom relations were turning sour, confusing and I certainly didn’t see what the big deal was that she was going on about, but it was important to her. Perhaps it was cultural? She accused me of doing and saying things that she didn’t want me to talk about or talk to certain people and without a rational any better than “because I told you to”, it wasn’t a good enough reason to not pursue open channels with people who chose to have them. Unfortunately control if fleeting in the free world. We can never truly control anyone on this earth – free will and all…….
As another part of the purge? I have gone from two phones to one. Both Apple and Android have their redeeming qualities and can suck when they want to as well, but I like the customizations that Android has. I like not having to be forced to download things JUST from iTunes and Apple’s own market. With Android I can download outside apps and not forced to just use the Google store. Yes, I had to notify a million and one people of my new number. It’s seriously a pain in the ass, but I needed a new start and I know one teenager who was happy to get a second-hand iPhone, so at least it wasn’t a complete and total waste of equipment. Granted I paid for the phone and service for an entire year for no real reason until now.
I have been at peace more in the past week than ever before. I am starting to just feel more like myself. Finding who I am as just myself. Learning to laugh again, enjoy people, enjoy company just as it is with no expectations. Live is short and this period in my lifetime will be even shorter. I’m not wavering from my final goal, from the advocacy, from trying to make change. I’m just not going to let the negative consume me anymore. I’m not going to be in that lost, depressed state just going through the daily motions. Life is just too precious for that. I need to be present for my family, for my friends. I choose life. I don’t choose to be a victim and let William Jordan get the best of me. I am still a work in progress, no doubt. I will have my days, have my moments. But I refuse to what I am labeled as. At least not live my life that way. I am choosing to be what everyone has said I have been: strong, courageous. Ok, there is no manual out there for how to survive being conned, defrauded, deceived and emotionally raped. I think not reading all of the past text messages and emails or going through footage is helping a lot. Not having the past in my face on a daily basis but leaving that behind. I know, come the trial (if there is one, unless he takes a plea deal) I will have to testify and relive all of it. Thats in the future and I can’t dwell on that right now. Take each day as it comes and for what it can provide. Each day comes with no mistakes in it yet. It’s a chance to start fresh every single time. There can be a bad day but it can be left in that day. We learn from our mistakes and hopefully don’t take them forward and repeat them. You can bet that I’m going to screen any potential suitor with great care in the future. Several of my friends and family said they need to pass THEIR test, lol. These are the same people who suspected that something was off with Will Jordan’s story. Those that I dismissed and made excuses to. I’m also going to take my time. Make sure things feel right. It’s not just me but my two kids that I need to think about. Granted there is no guarantee in life that things will work out in the future again, but I need to have hope. Hope in humanity. Hope in love. Hope in the future…..