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Slacking and Other Updates

Ok, I will be the first to admit, I haven’t posted an update in about forever!  So much has happened in the last few months.  As a start, I still reply to all comments that come to me here and to every email that comes to me through this site and for being diligent in sending your messages along, I thank you.  I get far less hate mail and far more support emails and messages for help or those who just want to tell their stories and know they are not alone.  I was hoping that this would be the end result at some point.  Kindred spirits all conjoining together.  I know that I felt really good to know that I wasn’t alone in my own situation with other William Jordan victims, to hear their stories, hear their feelings and see how they have overcome it all through the years and how it does get better.  It’s true, time does heal all things.  I am in a better place than I was 6 months ago and certainly in a better place a year ago when the whole legal drama ended with Jordan going back to jail. That, I will say, is where my healing truly began.

I started to write my book and when it got just past the part of his first arrest, to read back on my own text messages and emails became really hard.  To analyze it all through different eyes was hard.  I had seen where I was trusting too much, loving too much, putting faith in not just one basket, but a basket full of holes.  Gaping ones.  I was able to read conversations between us where he would constantly turn things around on me.  Everything was my fault.  I misinterpreted something he said, I took something out of context, I extrapolated something the wrong way, I was reading more into something than it was, I was being too sensitive, etc, etc, etc.  He would apologize before making a back handed comment that I wouldn’t recognize in my need for forgiveness and acceptance.  So I took time off from the book.  Then last summer I decided to do something crazy like go back to school in 7 week blocks instead of 15 week semesters.  It was very writing intensive and with the kids home from school, trying to be a full time nurse, full time mom and a student on top of it, the book got further pushed to the wayside.  After 2 semesters, I was really feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all.  I realized that online learning is not my cup of tea.  It has been 10 years since I graduated college the first time, but I was married and my daughter was young.  I wasn’t working so that I could focus on school full time and my daughter was in daycare on my school days and picked up by my husband while I studied with my my group of study buddies whom I still consider sacred friends to this day.  I need a classroom, but I am a different woman now.  I work full time nights, I am a full time single mom.  My mom watches my kids on the nights and weekends that I work so I can’t manage to saddle her any more to watch the kids so that I can attend classes and also adjust my work schedule to attend classes in person.  So now school is on hold and we are going back to the book.  I NEED to complete the book.  For starters, a lot of people are asking me about it because they want to read the details that no print or television interview can ever convey because there is just not enough time.  I also wanted enough time to go by that I could also go through the healing process of the last year rather than just the whole sordid story itself.

I am dedicating the year of 2016 as a good year.  It’s going to be a year of metamorphosis and change. It’s going to be life anew on many levels: personally, internally, professionally, educationally and any other way that I can find.  I did an interview with Fox News locally for a show called Chasing News.  It airs between Philadelphia and New York and either leads into the 10pm news or at midnight. It’s a show shot on GoPro cameras and then the various producers discuss the different segments.  So on a random day at Starbucks, me and the one producer, Jessica had an hour long chat.  We’re both local and she had come across my story. In the end Jordan, who has refused every interview that has gone his way – probably because he doesn’t want to get crucified more in the media than he already has been – said he just wants to move on with his life.  That his hysterical!!!  Hopefully he will never be able to move on with another female as long as he lives because he will NEVER change his spots.  After 3 decades of conning and deceit, it’s not going to change. Perhaps he should have made better choices in life.  He has made his bed and will have to lie in his bed of consequences forever.  As if the 20+ victims in his wake will ever be able to truly move on without a scar on their heart and their psyche. As if they will ever be the whole people they were before. Yeah, good luck with that buddy.  As is typical, the male point of view was very antagonistic and judgmental about the sex by fraud law.  It’s always the same misconception: that anyone and everyone will just go willy nilly accusing people of sex by deception.  Unfortunately for the truly ignorant, the judicial system doesn’t work like that.  You will have to provide your burden of proof, your absolute proof that you were deceived, intentionally for the sake of sex.  To prove that the other person acted truly out of malicious intent.  The police are not going to go around arresting every jilted lover out there. That isn’t even the purpose nor intent of the law.  It’s to catch those who go around and essentially catfish people egregiously. Those who lie about their identity, steal another’s identity in order to be with someone and for the purpose to deceive, harm, steal another’s identity, steal their possessions, cause emotional distress up to and including symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder as some victims have experienced in the aftermath of the most severe mental manipulators. Those are the criminals that I want to get off the streets.  The people who would serve to be a psychiatrist’s dream case. So just know, you are not alone.  You are never alone. I have received upwards of 300 emails and facebook messages over the last year of men and women who have been conned in their past.  Sometimes it’s a crime of the heart and mind and others have literally lost everything.  It astounds me as to how common these kinds of crimes are but next to none are prosecuted.  I have hope that in telling people the steps I took, that some people have sought justice in their own right.  For those who couldn’t, I know what it’s like to feel helpless because that’s how I felt before the authorities got involved in my case and it started to take shape.  I can feel that feeling like it was yesterday rather than 2 years ago.  The strong urge to want to stop this reign of terror but not knowing what steps to take, where to turn and who would help.  I also told very few people because I felt so incredibly stupid for falling prey to something like that.  I felt full of shame and regret for putting my family, my children and my friends through that year of fakeness and some people endure it for years or decades.  I have lost friends because of what happened and get judged about it all of the time, but I am in a place that I just don’t give a shit.   I took back my power by giving it a voice, by giving it a name and by going public about it.  Is it for everyone?  No. Everyone has to find their own healing process whether it be through therapy, art, working out, yoga, meditation, music or shouting it loud from the rooftops.  Find what works for you and roll with it.  I hope you find your inner peace.  Below is the Fox News interview:

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New Laws, New Lyrics, New Me

Boy did I have a crazy scheduled day!

6:30: up and make sure the kids are up, faces washed, teeth brushed, breakfast had, maybe a meltdown or two before they’re off to school by 8:15.

10:30: at the doctor’s for myself with 2 days of a cough and just feeling crummy again.

11:30:  Leave the doctors with a partial pneumonia diagnosis, antibiotics, a fist full of helpful tips and off change clothes.

1pm: Meeting with my Assemblyman Troy Singleton to start the work on a rape/sex by deception/fraud law.  It was very promising and he seems really very much in support of it.  It’s fabulous to finally be moving on this!

2pm: grab a few dinner things before going home to change clothes

3pm: son is picked up from kindergarten, home to help with any homework, see papers that come home and reinforce learnings of the week.

5pm have dinner with the kids before….

6pm back to school night at the middle school (elementary was last night)

8:30: drop my daughter off to home and run off to Target (after a Starbucks run)

10: unload car, wind down with my mom,

10: to unpack things and then call the ex hubby to tell him about the events of the day.

11:30 start this blog……   LOL

 

I heard a song on the radio today that I hadn’t heard in a while and it really says my last year in a song.   Here is the video and lyrics.

 

 

JAR OF HEARTS, by Christina Perri

I know I can’t take one more step towards you
‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
Don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the mostI learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I’ve learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin’ ’round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

 

Second Status Conference

Pre-conference: So here we are a month after the last status conference.  William Jordan has since bonded out of jail and much to my thankfulness, has not been spotted anywhere in the vicinity of my home, work, children or to my knowledge has attempted to contact me or my family through any anonymous means.  Of course, this it to my knowledge.  For all I know he is sitting in some Bodega in Mexico City right now thinking he has gotten the best of the United States legal system.  I guess I will know in about an hour.  I work every 3rd weekend and this past weekend was my weekend to work.  So after working a 12 hour shift, I decided it just wasn’t worth me going home to turn around and come to the courthouse.  So I listened to some morning Philly radio, skimmed my emails, replied to a few private comments, posted to Facebook, grabbed a pumpkin iced coffee on this brisk (43 degrees F) day, some breakfast and then decided to sit here and start my next blog post.  I am nervous since this is my first court date that doesn’t involve Jordan being brought to me in handcuffs and shackles.  He will have to actually come here on his own accord and I hope he is inconvenienced as hell.  I am quite curious as to how someone with no car, no job, no license will get here.  It’s either going to be a past victim, his next victim or his elderly parents.   Either way he’s sponging off of someone to be here.  Typical.  I am also waiting to speak to the prosecutor about this latest plea offer which I am sure is going to be utter crap and a total joke to the crimes that he has committed.   Only time will tell what happens……